Me and Mom are having problems.

She is mad at me and I am mad at her. And the big man is still the big man. Mom is mad at me because there is a mouse in our house. The mouse is somewhere in Mom's bedroom and it wakes her and the big man up at night running around and scratching on stuff. Mom thinks it is MY job to keep the mice out of our house.

I like mice, they are very crunchy and juicy, just like nice moles, only smaller. I think they are called appetizers, but I am not sure. I would be very happy to catch Mom's mouse and take care of it for her. But the big man gets all worked up when I eat things in the house. I would have to work hard to catch the mouse appetizer and then I'd have to take it outside and watch out for those stupid dogs that live in the yard behind us while I'm trying to enjoy my meal.

The mouse only comes out at night and I am a busy cat at night. I have to prowl at night, because that is what cats do. After two nights of the mouse in the house bothering Mom, she told me I had to stay in and catch the mouse or I would not get cat treats. So I stayed in the house and watched for the mouse. I did not see the mouse. Well, it could have run by when I was napping, but my eyes were closed, so I didn't see it. Mom got all mad at me and went to Walmart but she did not buy cat treats. She bought mouse traps. She was very mad about the mouse traps because she said that the only reason she has a cat to keep away mice. I told her that was not the only reason she had a cat! She has a cat because this is my house! If she wants to stay here, she will have a cat!

So Mom put out mouse traps and we are waiting for the mouse to come to the trap and wait for Mom to get it. I hope that Mom lets me have the mouse when she gets it because mice are very tasty. Mom said she will not give me her mouse. If I want the mouse, I should catch it myself because that is what cats do. So Mom is mad at me about the mouse.

I am mad at Mom because she knows I wanted a turtle dress up for Halloween. I have been very excited about this and have been waiting for Mom to get my dress up. All my friends have their dress ups for Halloween, but I did not have mine.

Mom came home the other day and she was very happy and told me she had my dress up. I came running in the house because I want to be a turtle. Mom said she could not find a turtle dress up for me so she got me something else. I am very mad! This is not cool! I do not want to be an ugly pumpkin cat for Halloween! I am so embarassed!

What if that punk Jesse from down the street sees me in this ugly pumpkin cat dress up? He will tell everyone on the street and all the people and their cats will laugh at me. What if those stupid dogs that live in the yard behind us see me looking like a pumpkin cat? They will laugh and roll on the ground and laugh some more. I am so mad at Mom!

I am mad at Mom about the ugly pumpkin cat dress up. The big man is laughing at me. I am going to bite and scratch him as soon as I figure out how to get out of this dress up. This is not cool and I am not happy. Because I am cool cat.

It has been a long time since I told you anything. We have been very busy at our house. We got in trouble with our neighbors because one night a big storm came. I was scared and would not go outside. It was loud and the wind was blowing and lights were flashing in the sky. Then there was a big boom and all the lights went out at everybody's house. Mom and the big man had to get flashlights and candles. One of our neighbors came to our house and told us that one of our nice trees broke and made everybody's lights go off. Mom and the big man were very embarassed that it was all their fault that nobody had any lights at their house.

In the middle of the night, big trucks came and fixed the lights. We were trying to sleep and all the lights came on and woke up Mom but not the big man because he was too busy making loud sleeping noises.

On a day that was Friday a week ago, Mom got all excited and happy and left. She is usually not that happy when she has to go places so I knew something was up. Sure enough, she came home later with people babies. I do not like people babies! Why can't they ever stay home with their own moms? She had Black Hair Girl and Black Hair Boy. I was not happy about that.

Mom and the big man woke the people babies up early on the day that was Saturday and loaded up the big kid seat that goes on the bakc of the bicycle for people babies to ride in. Mom and the big man loaded up the people babies and they went to a race. I do not know what a race is so I did not care that they did not take me. A race might be where you go throw people babies in the lake or something. Well. I found out what a race is when they got back. I was mad! I wanted to go to a race when I found out what it was.

A race is where Mom and the big man put on white shoes with laces to run away and they run with other people and they try to see who can run faster. Mom put the people babies in the big kid seat and made something for the people babies to race in called a jogging stroller. The people babies got to race with Mom! I can ride in that big kid seat called a jogging stroller! Why can't I race with Mom? I am so tired of those people babies getting to do everything with Mom while I stay home.

Later that day, a bunch of people came over to eat too much food. Mom said we were having too much food and a lot of fun called a Halloween Party. A lot of people babies came over and Red Head Boy came too. After all the people ate too much food, the people babies stole our nice pumpkins out of front yard and cut them up! They did! Their moms got big knives and cut up our nice pumpkins! Those were our pumpkins! We can never have anything around here.

All the people and all the people babies stayed at our house for a long time. I was very tired and wanted them to go home. Finally, after they messed up our nice spooky stuff in the front yard, they all left but somebody forget to load up Black Hair Girl and Black Hair Boy so they stayed at our house again. Mom and the big man took them back to their own house on the day that was Sunday and I was very glad.

Black Hair Girl likes to pet me all the time, even when I am trying to drink out of my big water bowl. She gets upset and cries and says "Monkey will fall in the potty" and Monkey will not fall in the potty! Monkey is just getting a drink of water! Black Hair Boy pulls my tail all the time and Mom tells him not to do that. I hit and slap Black Hair Boy a lot and he cries. Mom says as long as I do not bite and scratch Black Hair Boy that I will not get in trouble. So I just hit him a little him my front paw to make him leave me alone.

It rained every day last week and I stayed in the house a lot. Cats do not like rain. The big man would find me in the mornings and throw me in the garage when Mom was not home and I had to tattle on him. Mom does not want me to get sick out in the rain.

It stopped raining yesterday so I went outside and I do not want to come back in. I need to chase birds and prowl around. Mom wants me to come in and see her so I come in for a few minutes and then I go back outside. Cats like it outside when it is not raining. It is cool to prowl and I am a cool cat.

I have been a good cat but now I am in trouble with Mom. All because of the big man and his big mouth.

First, I had a lot of fun with the people nephew who calls Mom Aunt Mom. He stayed at our house to play with me and let me sleep with him. He played our piano and I sat in his lap. He had to go back to the place far away called the Army and we were all very sad.

I helped the big man write numbers on paper for the place called college. I have let myself in and out of the house through my cat hole so that I would not bother anyone.

Mom got up very early on the day that was Sunday and went to the airplane to go to the place where Ink lives called North Carolina. Me and the big man hung out at home and everything was just fine.

The big man went to work on the day that was Monday. I was at home by myself. I was hungry and the big man forgot to give me cat treats, so I went outside to catch myself a fat bird. I know I am not supposed to bring fat birds in the house, but no one was home and the wind was blowing outside and those stupid dogs that live in the yard behind us were out, so I thought it would not hurt if I took my fat bird in the house, as long as I cleaned up after myself.

That is not a problem because cats like to clean up after themselves. So I brought my fat bird in the living room and I was playing with it for a minute and it got away. I had fun chasing it and running after it. I got tired of chasing it around and decided I should take a short nap. Well, when I woke up from my nap, I could not find my fat bird! I left it in the floor! It was gone!

I thought maybe the big man was home and stole my fat bird for himself, but he was not there. I looked all over for my fat bird and did not find it. The feathers were all over the living room and I heard the big man coming in the house. I knew I was in trouble. I could not find the vaccuum cleaner to clean up the feathers.

The big man yelled at me and asked me where my fat bird was. I did not know. The big man was looking for it. I figured he must really want a fat bird, because he was all worked up about finding it. I thought if I got him another fat bird I would not be in trouble for bringing a fat bird in the house. So I ran out my cat hole and caught another fat bird for the big man and brought it in through the cat hole.

The big man got very mad about me having another fat bird and he took it away from me! I was going to give it to him, but he just could not wait! The big man never appreciates anything I do for him!

He called Mom and told her I brought fat birds in the house and one of them is lost in our house. Mom was very mad about that because a bunch of people are coming to our house soon to eat too much food. She does not want a fat bird hiding in our house to come out and bother the people. She told the big man to shut the door and lock me out! Mom is mad at me! I have to do something about that. Having a mad Mom is not cool and I am a cool cat.

Now that I know a cat can a dress up called a costume, I am not afraid of Halloween. I do not have to be a black cat! I can be a turtle! As soon as Mom finds me a dress up called a costume.

The people nephew that calls Mom Aunt Mom is coming tomorrow. I am very happy about that. Me and Mom did a lot of chores because we are having company.

Sometimes when the weather is nice, Mom takes our clothes to the back yard and puts them on ropes called a clothes line. I help her by chasing bugs and jumping in the basket and attacking the socks. I have heard that the neighbors do not like for Mom to take our clothes to the back yard and put them on ropes called a clothes line. The neighbors say things like that is redneck. I do not know what redneck is, but I know we have redneck birds in our nice flower beds.

I do not know why having our clothes on ropes called a clothes line is like our pretty pink redneck birds. Sometimes the neighbors say it is tacky to have your clothes in the back yard on ropes called a clothes line. I do not know what tacky is but it must be OK because Mom does this a lot. Mom says are neighbors just don't appreciate old fashioned stuff. She said our clothes on ropes called a clothes line does not bother our neighbors, they do not have to come to our yard and have the clothes on the ropes called a clothes line get in their way. And Mom does not ask the neighbors to fold the clothes, that is my chore.

Anyway, me and Mom got the laundry done and we cleaned up the living room and kitchen. While we were cooking supper for the big man, the people kid Julie called and said she is going to come to our house tomorrow too so she can see the people nephew that calls Mom Aunt Mom. I am going to have a lot of people company!

I don't know who I will sleep with. I was going to sleep with the people nephew but I might sleep with the people kid Julie. Sometimes a cat has lots of good stuff going on. That is cool and I am a cool cat.

I learned about something today and I will tell you about it.

The people kid, Justin's girl sent Mom a picture of her stupid dog. But it did not look like a stupid dog, it looked like an alligator. I asked Mom what was wrong with the stupid dog that it looked like an alligator. Mom said that for Halloween, pets can dress up too so people will not know who they are. The stuff pets use to dress up is called costumes.

If I can get a dress up called a costume, I can hid from the scary people kids dressed in scary clothes trying to get because I am a black cat. I thought about this a lot and I talked to my internet cat friends, Ink, Sammie and Lucy about it. We are all going ask our Moms for dress ups called costumes.

Sammie said we have to know what we our dress ups called costumes to look like. Lucy, who is very smart, said dress ups called costumes can look like all kinds of animals or people. Sammie said she wanted to be a redneck. I'm not real sure what that is, but Sammie says she knows a lot about rednecks. Ink wants to be a GIJoe because GIJoes look like her dad. Lucy wants to be a queen and needs a gold crown.

I decided that I want a dress up called a costume so I can be a turtle. I know a little bit about turtles because the people kid Justin left his box that his lunch goes in at our house and it has very special turtles on it called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Those turtles look very mean and tough. If I could have a dress up called a costume to look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I wouldn't have to whoop that punk Jesse from down the street, he'd run when he saw me coming.

But I can be a plain turtle too. Mom says that a lot of people in our family would really like it if I would just a plain dress up called a costume and looked like a plain turtle. Maybe because I would not be scary and tough. I don't really care what kind of turtle I am as long as I can hide from the people kids that come to our house and try to get me.

It is not cool to have to run from little people kids. I do not like that because I am a cool cat.

Mom and the big man are very excited because we have a visitor. I am very excited about it too! Mom's people nephew that calls her Aunt Mom went away to the place very far away called the Army. He has been gone a long time and now he is home to visit everybody for a few days. All the people are very happy about that. Mom and the big man drove very fast to go see the people nephew on the night that was Friday. They had to go the place where people kids run up and down the yard chasing a ball that is not round called football. The people nephew was very glad to see Mom and the big man. I was not happy because I did not get to go to the place where people kids run up and down the yard chasing a ball that is not round called a football and see the people nephew. I want to see him too! That is not fair that I had to stay home.

Mom says the people nephew is coming to our house to spend some days and nights this week and I can sleep upstairs with him if I want to. So I am going to watch for him to come to our house. Mom says when he is through visiting he has to go back to the place very far away called the Army. Mom is worried because he might have to go to the place where people fight because they do not like each other called Iraq. We do not want the people nephew to go there, but the people nephew says he is ready to go help other people in the place where people fight because they do not like each other called Iraq.

I was very afraid when I went outside after my nap on Saturday. There is scary Halloween stuff in our yard again. Black cats do not like Halloween, it is very bad for black cats. People are mean to black cats on Halloween and little people kids dress up in very scary clothes and come to our house to try to get me. Mom has to give them people treats to make them go away. I do not like Halloween.

There is very scary stuff in our house too. I do not like that either. I have to hide in the big man's closet to get away from scary stuff everywhere. I got on the internet and talked to my internet cat friends Ink and Sammie and we want to call important people and see if we cannot have Halloween any more. Black cats do not like Halloween.

Me and mom did some yard work today when she and the big man got back from the place where people are nice to each other for a few minutes called church. We cleaned up the little trees that had red balls on them called tomatoes. Then I helped Mom put water on our nice trees and bushes.

We wanted to get all our work done so when the people nephew gets here to visit with us we can just play with him and not have to do chores. I like playing with the people nephew because he is cool and I am a cool cat.

The big man does not like for Mom to leave the door open at night so that I can get in and out by myself through my cat hole. The big man thinks I will bring stuff in the house at night. Mom asked him what he thought I'd bring in and he said nice moles or fat birds. I've got news for the big man, I am not bringing him any more presents in the house, so he does not have to worry about that.

Since I stayed outside for a long time yesterday when Mom was all worked up about me eating a rubber band, I decided to stay in last night and sleep with her so she would forget that she was mad and give me some cat treats. The big man was taking a shower and me and Mom were in the bed talking about stuff. The big man came to get in the bed and he was all mad about me being in the middle of the bed. Where else is a cat supposed to sleep? He is the one who should sleep somewhere else because he makes loud sleeping noises.

I was still being nice to Mom this morning. She put on her white shoes with laces and a cap to run away and I decided to go with her for a little while. We walked around our street and wouldn't you know it, that punk Jesse that lives down the street came out of his garage hissing and bowing his back at me. I do not like that punk Jesse and I have to whoop him all the time for being a punk. I was not going to run from him so I stood there and hissed back at him. While we were standing there hissing at each other, the neighbor who takes his clothes off in his front yard while he dances let his stupid puppy dog out of the house. That stupid puppy dog came running over to where I was trying to be mean to that punk Jesse and then me and Jesse both had to hiss and run from the stupid puppy dog! A cat cannot fight a punk and puppy at the same time!

Mom was laughing at me about the stupid puppy dog and the punk Jesse. She told me I should not talk about the neighbor who takes his clothes off in his front yard while he dances because it is not nice to talk about stuff like that. See, last week, me and Mom were walking outside just before it was time to eat dinner. The neighbor who takes his clothes off in his front yard while he dances was riding on the loud toy that makes the grass short. All of the sudden, he jumped off the loud toy and started yelling and running and hopping and dancing. Me and Mom were afraid because we thought he was possessed with Halloween or something. He was slapping himself and hopping around in his yard and dancing and he took his clothes off! People are not supposed to take their clothes off in their front yards!

He was taking his shirt and slapping himself with it and yelling a lot. The other people neighbors went running over there and I thought they were all going to take their clothes off in the front yard and dance so I told Mom that we should go in our house right away. The other neighbors did not take their clothes off in the front yard and dance, so I was happy about that. They made the neighbor with no clothes on in the front yard go in his garage. Mom heard him yelling that little bugs called bees got him and that's why he had to take his clothes off in the front yard while he was dancing.

I don't know about little bugs called bees but Mom says sometimes they get in our yard too. I do not like that because I do not want to see the big man in our yard dancing and screaming and taking his clothes off. That is not cool and I would be embarassed. Because I am a cool cat.

I think we are getting back to normal at our house. The people babies are long gone, the big man does not cry and whine about little rocks in his belly called kidney stones and Mom has been home working hard in her office. She gets up very early in the mornings and puts on her white shoes with laces and a cap and runs away. But she always comes back. I wait for her outside. She always gives me food in my outside bowl when she comes back. Then me and Mom roll around in the living floor doing stretches called yoga. It is not very hot outside, so Mom leaves the door open so I can get in and out by myself through my nice cat hole.

I thought every thing was very nice at our house until today. I got in trouble. I do not like to get in trouble. Mom yelled at me because I ate a rubber band. Mom knows I love rubber bands, they are my favorite toy. I know where she keeps a bunch of rubber bands in her office and I always try to get them. Sometimes if I bother Mom enough, she will give me some rubber bands to play with.

I found out by accident that rubber bands taste good too.

When me and Mom sat down to the paper this morning, she took the rubber band off and put it on the table. So I ate it.

Mom got all worked up about me eating the rubber band. It is not like she needed that rubber band, she has a bunch of them in her office, you would think she would a nice Mom and share just one with me. But no! She yelled at me for a long time about the rubber band. Then she put some stuff in my cool cat bowl and told me to eat so the rubber band would come out. I do not want rubber bands coming out! I don't know what that means!

I did not want to eat the stuff in my cool cat bowl, so I ran out the back door and through my cat hole to escape. I am not going back in our house. I am going to stay out here on the porch of the little house behind us called the guest house. Mom is being very mean to me so I am going to stay away from her. That's what the people kids Julie and Justin told me to do. I am going to do what they say because they are cool people kids and I am a cool cat.

I am mad at the internet. I have typed stuff so you could read it and the internet made it go away. It takes a long time for a cat to type stuff on the internet because cats do not have opposable thumbs. So I am very mad that I typed a bunch of stuff and now I have to type it again.

The people babies stayed at our house for 4 days and 4 nights. People babies have never stayed that long and I was scared they would never go home. I found out that there are places Mom does not let the people babies go. They cannot go on our stairs. That is good for me because when they got on my nerves, all I had to do was get on the stairs and they could not get me. Cats are smart. Smarter than stupid dogs and people babies.

We like to play outside on the days that Mom and the big man do not have to go to work. But can a cat have a good time ouside with people babies? NO. Mom and the big man rode the people babies on the bicycles. Black Hair Girl wanted me to go to but Mom said no because I do not have a helmet. I was very mad about that because I want a helmet but no one will buy me one. I will have to go to Walmart by myself and find a helmet so I can ride the bicycles too.

When they got back from their bike ride, Mom got my big new outside water bowl out and filled it up with water. Then the people babies got in it. I am so tired of the people babies bothering my stuff. When they got tired of playing in my big outside water bowl, they chased me. Black Hair Girl wrapped me up in a towel. Mom asked her why and she said "because Monkey is wet." Monkey is not wet! Monkey is a cat! Monkey does not like water!

Then Black Hair Boy tried to pick my nose! I am a cat! I do not need my nose picked!

I was very mad that the people babies were bothering me so I ran away to the house behind us to the yard where the stupid dogs live. I know how to get away from stupid dogs but sometimes it is too hard to get away from people babies. Black Hair Girl stood by the fence and cried because I was in the yard behind us where the stupid dogs live. She wanted me to come back so she could wrap me up in towel again.

I did not go back!

Mom took the people babies home when they got back from the place where people act nice to each other for a few minutes called church. I was a very happy cat about that.

Mom packed her little red suitcase and went away to the place where horses run fast for flowers called Kentucky. While she was gone, the big man left me in the house all day. I could not get out until he got home. He tattled on me to Mom! It was not my fault! The big man locked me in the house, he needs to be tattled on!

I was very happy when Mom got home on the day that was Wednesday. I helped her in her office. She was making big stacks of papers called reports and calling important people about money on the telephone. I was attacking her printer and getting into her rubber bands.

We put our scary stuff in our yard so we could be decorated for Halloween. I do not like Halloween because bad stuff happens to black cats on that day. I hide in the house and I tell my internet cat friends Sammie and Ink to hide too. I do not want bad things to happen to my internet cat friends because they are cool, like me, the cool cat.